Fear not, this post is not intended to be a sob story. Instead, it is an honest exploration into a feeling that is hitting hard for me right now – and while it’s a lonely process, I guarantee thousands of students are feeling the same. The best way I can describe the dreaded job hunt at times is evocative of a moment in Dolly Alderton’s recent TV adaptation of her book, Everything I Know About Love. Protagonist Maggie says to her parents, ‘you two encouraged me to follow my idiotic dreams instead of getting a proper job,’ and while I am clearly very grateful for this encouragement, I sometimes wish English Literature was a vocational course.
More than anything, finishing my Masters in September meant a very weird period of limbo. Most people I know already have jobs or have jobs lined up for them in the near future. For me, this is just the start of my journey in applying for jobs and so far, it has proven to be a bit of a thankless process. Simply because I genuinely had no clue where to start. While I’ve had waitressing jobs in the past, this was a brand-new venture.
Where I had previously shut down any mention of the job search as I was desperately trying to finish my dissertation, I am now left with no more excuses and there’s only a certain amount of time I can put down to post-diss decompression and relaxation. If anything, it has been the opposite. There had always been a certain comfort in knowing once September rolls around, you would be embarking upon a new university or school year. Maybe it’s only now I’m realising how much I relied upon that rigidity of routine now it’s not there anymore.
Graduate guilt is something I define as the feeling of failure because you have nothing lined up, and often spend the days in your childhood home wondering how you’re going to start making money for yourself. Every hour that is spent not doing a job application, scrolling on LinkedIn or researching internships feels like pure laziness. Objectively, it is not, as it has not even been a month since I finished my Masters and I know I deserve time to do things I wanted to do over summer but could not. But that feeling is persistent and will not have an easy fix unless someone out there decides that I am the perfect candidate for them.
It’s easy to fall into a slump with things like this, especially since LinkedIn is a cursed platform sometimes and seeing somebody else I know starting a new position doesn’t help the existing feeling of failure. Even though this has absolutely nothing to do with me, it digs a deeper hole in the graduate guilt pit. In reality, they could have dealt with numerous rejections until the right thing came along. Such is the façade of social media.
And then come the rejections. The first job application rejection is always the most stinging in my opinion. While I spent hours convincing myself that this position was going to solve all my issues, was perfect for my current life environment and I was the perfect match, I equally spent weeks waiting for an email which never came. It was only until I sent a follow-up email asking about the progress of my application that I was met with the response I was not looking for. I had a cry and by the next morning, I had moved on. Maybe I didn’t want it as much as I’d thought.
The issue with investing hours into applications is the emotional tether which invisibly bonds you to a certain role. I find applications mentally exhausting, so I’m trying to take it at a steady pace, but the longer time goes on, the easier it is to emotionally detach myself from the role I’m applying for. Swapping out sections in my cover letters and CV becomes a natural part of the process, and it drains me a little bit less each time.
I’ve managed to find things which momentarily suppress this guilt. This blog being one of them, I can channel spare time into productivity and use my experiences to create pieces of writing which may help other people who are in a similar position. I try and keep my academic mind stimulated by reading where I can, and I’ve taken to collating daily lists of tasks to help me stay organised. Otherwise, I would fall into existential dread that life is meaningless, and that’s something I’d rather not do.
While motivation is an important asset, it is easily lost. It’s very common for Impostor Syndrome to resurface in situations like this – that first job had me questioning if I would ever be hired, because if an entry-level job didn’t want me, who would? This is not a very helpful mindset, so I’m trying my best to stay consistent, remind myself that I AM employable and submerge the guilt in one way or another. I’m sure I’ll let you know if there’s an update!